Weight Loss Journey: Day 21 [10/17/13]

So, I do not know about you guys but I have never been in the category of "skinny." However, I have been in the category of "fit." You see, I know what it feels like to be strong, to have endurance and feel energized on a daily basis. So, now that I am in this place of boarder line unhealthy and extremely UNFIT, I seem to be going through some sort of emotional/mental shock. The thing is that after not exercising for over two years, when I attempt to execute my work out routine, I feel so weak to the point of anxiety. Going through the motions of re-conditioning my body is depressing. When I try to complete a work out routine and I become out of breath quickly or I have to stop mid-way, I get angry and disappointed, with myself for letting myself go. You see, not taking care of my health and body can translate as NOT LOVING myself and we all know how the saying goes "How can you teach someone to LOVE you if you do not LOVE you? " That is some deep and emotional stuff, right?

But for me, shedding these pounds is extremely emotional because I am not just engaging in a  DIET to accomplish a short term goal. This is a life style change, I am trying to ultimately save myself. Taking those HUGE baby steps to better my life for the long haul, however getting rid of or attempting to change 20 plus years of unhealthy habits, ain't easy.

But, here is something that I have learned: when you are trying to basically reincarnate YOUR LIFE, it can become over whelming, stressful, challenging, SUPER scary and discouraging. Especially, when you have been over weight all or most of your life. Think about it, if you have never seen a flat stomach, in relation to your body, I mean never ever, then how can you feel hopeful that it is even possible for you to achieve?

You see, there is a lot of GROWING PAINS with any type of change and to endure such pain you have to gather unwavering faith that everything will turn out the way YOU will it to be. Basically, you gotta learn the trade of BLIND TRUST. Easier said than done, of course.

So yeah, as you can tell by this post, these past 21 days have been emotionally exhausting. Especially since, I keep coming into road blocks such as: giving in to food temptations, not exercising or under exercising. The frustrating truth is that gaining weight is so much more effortless than shedding the weight. I will admit that there are times when I look at myself and I see no hope or possibility of change. I just can't stand what I see in the mirror, I get uncomfortable looking at myself. I am uncomfortable in my own body and it hurts.

I think there are just so many changes that I am trying to apply to this new life I desire to live. Maybe, I took on too many changes, way too soon. Maybe that is why, at times all of these "goals" or aspirations for a better me, seem so out of reach.

Anyway, I would like to end by saying, that this post is just as much about venting as it is about being vulnerable and honest. My intention is not to be a " Debbie Downer." My whole thinking process is that I know that there are tons of people, out there that feel the way I do. I am just deciding to be vocal about my struggle. Maybe, YOU needed to hear these words to know that you are NOT alone.

So, I am Ella Speakz and I am honestly disclosing to you that I am UNHAPPY with being over weight and unhealthy, I get frustrated and discouraged at times but, I am actively trying to change my life so that I can be in a better place physically, emotionally and mentally. I might complain, I might cry and I most definitely WILL vent but, I wont give up and neither should you.

On a side note, I decided to weigh myself and I have lost 4 pounds. Yaaaay me! Although this is a small amount, I am trying to look at this with the glass half full. Thank you for reading.